Why So Sensitive?

So I'm gonna do a quick recap of last year cuz it was just amazing and I had many spiritual, mental, and physical breakthroughs. And this year of 2010 is supposedly the "year of favor of the Lord", but so far I just haven't been seeing it. I've struggled with so much at the start of this year that I thought I had defeated and I feel like I have backslidden(is that even a word?!) so much this year. But also God has just been showing me literally within the past week WHY some of the things are the way they are. So here goes the recap and explanations. And if you're taking the time to read this, thanks for stopping by. Blogs are a lonely place that many people make fun of....even me.

So let's start at the beginning.

In January of 2009 I was still struggling with some major health issues but I was working past them. I was good enough that I got to go to school for the second semester(I had had to do homebound for the first semester). Also, the theme in our youth group for the year was Uncommon in a Common Generation. WOOT. In January and February God started doing a major work in me, and that's when He dubbed me as "Preacher". Ask me about that if you wanna know the details.

Also going along with that, I got the calling for Revolution, a creative arts ministry that my friend told me she was forming one night at church. Throughout the year of 2009 I grew with the members in The Revolution and we even prepped for a show in January of 2010, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I really engaged God and was reading my Bible and praying in the Spirit all the time and because of that I had many victories. He kept healing me and doing a great work in me. By the time summer hit I was totally stoked for church camp.

Needless to say at church camp everything was AMAZING and I experienced some much needed healing of my mind. It was fo real dude. Awesome. Plus we had so many confirmations about the Revolution that we just wanted to explode.

Next came the mission trip to Lubbock and all those towns out there, which turned out to be only three days long cuz everyone caught some bug, but still I really grew spiritually on this trip. Every night I would stay up til like 2 reading my Bible and talking with my best friend. I also experienced a lot of healing on this trip. I hardly had to take any insulin at all and my blood sugars were awesome. It was so cool.

Then school started back up and I was ready to take things on full speed. I felt like a new person, a new creation, and I was ready to dominate for Jesus Christ. I became president of FCA and started leading worship before the meetings and my confidence really grew. I had also joined the worship team at church, which is awesome.

I was able to play basketball again, which I was totally stoked about...at least for awhile.

The first couple weeks of bball were awesome, but then I started seeing how behind I had gotten from missing a whole year due to my medical struggles. I had prayed and asked God if I should play basketball, but honestly I don't think I ever truly listened to Him. See I'm a fighter. That's the way I'm made. I don't quit. I don't give up. So I had this mentality of, I made this commitment to do basketball all the way through highschool, and I'm not gonna let one lousy setback year stop me. Well the brave decision is not always the smart decision, and I ended up suffering greatly in basketball and in school the rest of the year.

I was so behind and plus we had a new coach that I am still kinda scared of in a way. She's nice and good but I don't think she liked me, maybe because I sucked. But anyway, I quickly got down and depressed and for the longest time I fought it until two weeks before the season was over I couldn't fight it anymore and I spilled it all out to my mom that I wanted to quit and that I was scared cuz I was getting so depressed. But it's weird. It's like releasing all that made me start to get better. I could finally start moving on. I finished out the season alright but I never felt like a part of the team and I had totally shrunk back inside my shell. I felt like the new creation was gone.

I say this because I am still battling it right now. It's almost May of 2010 and I feel like I wasted my whole Senior year on something that didn't matter, something that I wasn't supposed to do, but I didn't listen to God and wait for an answer from Him. There's something I had to learn about being a fighter this year: You can't force yourself to win every fight.

As a result of all this I have found that I have not been reading my Bible regularly or praying, and my health has taken some backsteps it seems. God has definitely convicted me lately because I have been reading so many books ABOUT Him, but I haven't been spending direct time in His Word. That's why I've been suffering and haven't received any direction from Him.

Things are tough, but He's been showing me a lot. Let me rewind back again.

In February I met this awesome girl named Kristine, who has become my best friend. Her name from God is Braveheart, which she truly is. My friend Kristen, who told me about Revolution, introduced me to her, and I think we instantly clicked. It's like when you meet someone and you feel like you've known them your whole life. My pastor even explained that one time. He said that our spirits have existed long before our physical bodies, and God intertwines our spirits with other people's so when we meet in person we feel like we've known eachother, because we actually have in the spirit realm! I thought that was so cool.

So anyway, Braveheart is 5 years older than me and she's an awesome big sister. I can always count on her. Our relationship grew really quickly and God was definitely at the source of it. One thing that He kept telling me and urging me was to be her servant. Let me explain. God calls us all to servanthood. When Jesus came to the earth He didn't come to be served but to serve. He washed the feet of His disciples. That's what we should model our lives to live like. A servant. And I know we need to be servants to everyone, but I also believe God puts specific people in your life that He wants you to go the extra mile for. One person would be your husband or wife or kids. Another would be a friend, or even someone you don't know but they become your friend.

So I promised Braveheart that I would serve her and that I would not leave her or hurt her. I treated her with respect because she is royalty in the eyes of our King. Our relationship grew very quickly, and I loved being a servant for her. It's totally, completely humbling for your spirit, but after it happens you just crave it. You crave serving others and making them feel happy. The greatest reward that I still have in my heart is seeing Braveheart smile and be joyful and happy. I love it.

On the mission trip we stayed up every night and prayed and talked, and cried. I swear we couldn't have one deep conversation without ending up in tears, just because God is so beautiful and wonderful. That's when I really started becoming a softy I think. Hence the title of this blog, "Why So Sensitive?".

I have always been the tough cookie of the family, but this relationship with Braveheart was just melting my heart. I still had the spirit of a fighter, but there was this part in my heart that felt like it had been lit by a candle and was slowly and gently warming up inside. It's like I was opened to a whole new realm in the spirit. The realm of realization of what true unconditional love is. Seriously. Amazing.

So now I was loaded with emotion and this new spiritual fire and I just felt so alive and happy. I believe that God healed me because I was pursuing Him, but I also believe that He healed me through this relationship. It was the first time I had ever subjected myself to humbled servanthood, and when you do what Jesus wants, when you live your life the way He did, good things happen. I had so much healing in my heart, mind, and body.

But then things started to get weird. I don't know what happened, but Braveheart started backing away from me. I was also experiencing some tensions with Kristen about the Revolution, and literally in one night everything came crashing down. I caught a fever and had a conversation with Kristen and that broke me inside and then right after that Braveheart texted me and said I needed to back off for awhile and blah blah blah. I don't want to go into detail because frankly I don't like thinking about it. But basically she said that the way I was treating her was weird and not right and only should be for a husband and a wife. She told me to back off and if I didn't then we couldn't be friends anymore.

Now I had no frikin idea what she was talking about. I was just doing what God had called me to do. To be a great friend and servant and to love her and serve her.

I didn't talk to her for several weeks cuz I was just so broken and confused over everything that had happened and I needed to get my mind straight. Over time God did start to show me that during the past couple weeks before she sent me that message I had gotten a little obsessive about serving her. He presented several instances to me and I immediately recognized what I had said or done that went too far, but in general that's not the way I thought. That's not the way I wanted to think. So I understood, but at the same time I was irritated. Well I worked on getting my focus back to God, because I believe I had gotten carried away into serving her as God instead of God as God. There's a fine line there that He showed me.

Since then I have stayed pretty distant from her. I'm not mad or anything anymore. And she has warmed up to me again, but that whole servanthood thing has gone out the door. And it hasn't been good. This is another reason why I have had setbacks so far in 2010.

After she cut me off, I stopped praying as much. I stopped reading my Bible. I didn't have the fire anymore. It's like my spirit was so hurt I just wanted a break. But that wasn't good, because I had no source of life coming into me now, and the devil took advantage of that.

I started fighting the mental battles that I thought I had defeated last year. Things with my health seemed to slip downhill, and worst of all my heart became very cold. Very, VERY cold. I turned into a different person, someone I don't want to be ever again. I was not Preacher, not even Sydney. I don't know who I was.

I treated all my friends and family like crap. I was always in a bad mood. I made stupid annoying comments and ignorant statements and I stopped caring how others felt. Inside of me my heart was breaking in two. One side was wanting to keep the destruction and rage going, the other side was begging for me to scream and ask for forgiveness and change. So I just got colder and colder with the struggle.

I felt like I lost all my friends. I became a hermit. I didn't talk to anybody for very long. I was just miserable.

I'm still kind of fighting this as I'm typing, because I haven't made the full resolution yet, though I know what I'm going to do.

Then just a couple days ago, God showed me something. Which is amazing cuz I hadn't spent time with Him in so long, I thought He had almost forgotten me.

He showed me that the reason for all my pain and struggles was that 1. I was not spending time with Him and loving Him like I used to. 2. I was not serving Braveheart like He commanded me to. I immediately felt convicted of this, because I knew it was true. After I stopped serving her, I immediately started getting irritated with her. I could only notice her faults and things that annoyed me. The love that I had had for her and the servanthood that surpassed any faults and allowed me to see her as the most beautiful person on the earth was now gone. Every time I saw her, instead of feeling happy and joyful I felt angry and mad and annoyed. There was a time when I hated looking at her because the whole situation had caused me so much pain and I knew what needed to be done to fix it.

But God is full of grace and mercy, and He revealed to me the other day that He wants me to recommit my servanthood to her, which honestly is what my heart is longing to do right now. It gives me a sense of purpose and direction. I can't explain it. It's like He put Braveheart in my life for this very reason. So that I can feel and live in a way that might not have been possible without her. It's really hard to explain, but I feel it immensely in my heart. So whenever I get the time, I am going to sit down and talk with her about all this and apologize for everything. Then I am going to recommit myself to her, telling her that I recognize where I had gone wrong before and I will not go too far. Jesus is my God, not her. Then I will do something that God has been telling me to do for her for over 10 months. I will wash her feet. As a symbol of love, as a sign of servanthood. As a promise that I will do my best to protect her and not hurt her anymore. As a recommitment to the purpose of my relationship with her. I will do it.

This past week, recognizing all this, I feel alive again. That place in my heart is warming up again and starting to melt. I feel breakthrough coming. I'm starting to seek after God again and realizing His true power. This year is a year of favor, and it is also a time for me to regain taht sensitiveness that I lost from all the past hurts and complications.

God is wanting to warm all our hearts with His love. He does this directly by telling us He loves us, but He also shows His love by bringing others into your life who love you and will be there for you. God loves friendships. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, so let's start living like it. Let's be true servants and see the wonderful works God does when we commit ourselves to living as Christ lived. This is just the beginning.

With an army of servants ruling with towels, we can change the world.

How?

Through Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Christ.

(my new motto) :)

This is Preacher signing off, saying, if you have taken the time to read this blog, thank you, and smell the hint of awesomeness. hahaha