So I just realized how much awesome stuff is going on this summer! Ok so here it goes:
1. Dallas City Outreach w/ Gateway Church
2. Shawn's graduation
3. WWE on June 1st
4. My graduation on June 4th
5. Jesus Culture Conference on June 9th
6. Start of Human Video practices on June 12th
7. Church Camp June 14th-18th
8. YEC convention June 25th-26th
9. Mission trip July 10-17th
10. Skillet concert at Six Flags on July 31st
11. Skillet concert in Dallas on Sept. 3rd.
And that's without all the work and stuff I will be having too. It's gonna be a crowded but rockin summer!
And speaking of the mission trip, I still need around $400, so if you happen to read this and you want to donate, that'd be awesome. Thanks!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Christians and War
I've recently made some of my best friends upset because I don't take the same stance that they do regarding Christians and war. Honestly, I'm not totally sure yet what I believe, but I have been seeking it out. Right now, I just can't support war. As Christians we are called to be the peacemakers. Jesus calls us to turn the other cheek. Now, I'm no pacifist, but rather a MLKJ type person. I believe in countering evil with relentless love, after all, that's what Jesus did.
My friends tell me that I am very naive and that that type of thinking won't work in the real world. Well if that's true then none of us should be Christians cuz that's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't pick up a gun to stop injustice, He picked up the cross and died for us. Martydom is very important in Christianity. Now I'm not saying we all need to deliberately seek to get killed, but what I'm saying is that if you look back in history, the Christian faith has grown not from people warring with guns and swords but from Christians dying for what they believe.
It started with Jesus. He gained many followers because of what He did. Then came the disciples. They too were all martyred, and we saw that the church and the Christian faith grew tremendously. People saw what they lived out and stood up for, and they knew that it was real. These men and women wouldn't die for something they truly didn't believe in. I would rather suffer torture and death from a terrorist and continue to tell him that Jesus loves him until I die rather than have a squad of men shoot him down. The name of Jesus is freedom. The Bible gives words of Life. Are we giving these words regularly? Are we saying them enough? Obviously not.
War is made so attractive because it is natural human tendency to resort to violence, because we are sinful. Before I started to truly discover God's love, I actually wanted to go into the military. I had no problem with fighting someone or killing someone. It seems just all too easy. But as soon as I started to feel and discover God's love and how He truly loves everyone, He really started messing with my heart and showing me that His grace was meant for everyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be saved. And even if they don't accept Christ, you have impacted their life with words of truth and life that they can't ever forget. And Paul instructs us to dust off our feet and move on, not to turn around and kill them.
Remember, we are all made in the image of God, so even if someone acts like the Word of God doesn't affect them, it does, because we were all made to receive it as bread of life. I could never kill someone, unless it happened truly on accident. If someone was beating up my brother or sisters, yeah I would go stop them, I would fight them off, but I would try to do it in a way that causes the least amount of harm. I wouldn't stab them or take a gun and shoot them. If I accidentally killed them I would feel horrible, but it was accidental. I could never kill someone on purpose because I truly love EVERYBODY. Even those creepo sexual offenders and terrorists, I love them. Not for what they are doing, but because they are people like us, and all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. God doesn't look at sin in amounts, He sees that we ALL have sinned and need God's grace. None of us are good enough to get to heaven, that's why Jesus came to begin with.
Now, on the matter of using love to conquer instead of violence, like I said my friends think I am very naive in this, but has anyone actually TRIED it yet? I mean seriously. You see the little movements. You see the movement that Jesus made. You see the change that MLKJ brought with his campaign of relentless love. It works. The problem is that people are just incredibly impatient and it's quicker to take a gun and kill someone rather than hold out and use love to break down the walls. We want what we want when we want it, and that's a major problem. I mean take Hitler for instance. Yeah, he did some HORRIBLE stuff. And many Christians say it was right for us to to stop him. I have no problem with stopping someone who is doing evil, but it's HOW you stop them that matters. Did anyone go over there to visit Hitler? Did anyone speak to him about Jesus? Did anyone discuss with him that his views were warped and that Jesus was of Jewish heritage? Did anyone show Hitler love? No. We didn't. As a result, not only did he carry out his plan, but he committed suicide when they lost the war. His life could've been saved, as well as millions of Jew's lives. Think what could've become of Hitler if he had accepted Christ as his Savior. He was a very persuasive man. He could've been a great speaker and leader in the church. He could've helped us spread the Word of God everywhere. But did we ever reach out to him and tell him about Jesus? No. We were too busy filled with fear that we resorted to war first. Where was the love? Where was that movement that says, "I am going to stop you and correct you because I love you and I want you to know that Jesus loves you and He wants to change your life."
Have you ever noticed that violence always begets violence? Yeah it may bring temporary peace, but someone is always pissed off that you went to war against them and that you killed their guys etc. etc. War births hate in everyone. That's how racial and social divisions occur. That's how gangs are formed. Everyone lumps eachother into groups and hates eachother and we always use violence to try to redeem us of our losses and problems. We think, "Well, if we just kill this guy, then evil will be gone!" Have you ever seen that work??? Is that even historical? NO. I mean look what's happening in Iraq. We thought, "If we just kill Saddam Hussein, then the regime will collapse." Well several years later here we are, still in the war. And that's because there's always gonna be some other evil power to take the place of the one you just destroyed. And the terrorists hate us even MORE now because we killed their hallowed leader. What if we had gone over there, sat Saddam in prison, and said, "Look man. You've done awful things. But we're here because we believe in grace and love. Jesus loves you and he wants to give you a second chance. We know you believe in the Qu'ran, but we believe in the Bible. And we are willing right now to sit with you and discuss our differences and show you the true love of Christ." That's all it takes! Even if he doesn't accept Christ, keep him in jail then and keep visiting him. Paul says I believe in Galatians that it is lawful to throw people in jail who are doing harm to society, but don't take their life. Keep coming to visit them and share the love of Jesus with them, because those simple words of life change their hearts, whether they admit it or not. Jesus said, "I was in prison, and you visited me." (talking to the sheep) Are we visiting Jesus? Or are we killing him? Jesus is in many distressing disguises, even those of people we think we should eliminate or hate or whatever. God's image is in all of us, we just have to take the time to dig deep to find it. And I for one am willing to do that.
On a side note, lastly, I might write more on this later, my friends think that if I have different opinions than them that when people ask us questions about this stuff and we tell them different things, that they will think we are hypocrites and our ministry will collapse. First of all, I had to assure them that that is crazy, because look at all the different denominations there are! Lots of Christians believe lots of different things, and Christianity itself hasn't collapsed. There's some things we just won't know for sure til we get to heaven, so we need to stop debating so much all this theological stuff and just show God's love. If we dig into His Word and diligently seek Him, He will give us the answers we need to know. Even if they are different from others, God is much bigger than us. We can't fully see how He thinks or what His reasoning is. There is obviously some type of balance of war and love that none of us can see right now. I just want to do my best to honor and serve Him until I get to heaven and can see the full truth. We won't be able to answer every question, and Christians are naturally the biggest hypocrites of all because we say we believe something but then we don't live it out. I mean come on, you see that all the time! So I wouldn't care if someone called me a hypocrite, because I already know that I have been one. But thank goodness for God's grace! And that's the truth of the whole message. If someone came up to me after a show and said, "I was just talking with other members of your group and they don't believe the same thing you do about war." I would say, "You're right. I don't." And if they said, "Well how can that be? Are there two truths? That's very hypocritical." I would say, "Honestly, I'm not sure what the full truth of the matter of war is, that's one of God's mysteries. But I do know that Jesus taught us to show love and mercy and His forgiveness to everyone. And even if you do consider me to be a hypocrite, I don't have to worry because I know God has forgiven me with the grace of Jesus Christ. That's what it all comes down to. I don't have all the answers, I've probably gotten many of them wrong, but I DO have the grace of Christ, which covers all offenses. So I don't have to worry. I am at peace with my beliefs."
If we would just be fearless to tell people what we believe and not be afraid to fall, we could really change this world. The devil wants to shut us up. He wants us to get so confused that we break down and don't say anything. But as long as we speak what God has put on our hearts, even if everyone doesn't agree with it, we will be fine. Just stop worrying so much about what others think of you! If we try to be crowd pleasers our whole life, we will just be relevant. But I don't want to be relevant.
I want to be a Revolution.
My friends tell me that I am very naive and that that type of thinking won't work in the real world. Well if that's true then none of us should be Christians cuz that's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't pick up a gun to stop injustice, He picked up the cross and died for us. Martydom is very important in Christianity. Now I'm not saying we all need to deliberately seek to get killed, but what I'm saying is that if you look back in history, the Christian faith has grown not from people warring with guns and swords but from Christians dying for what they believe.
It started with Jesus. He gained many followers because of what He did. Then came the disciples. They too were all martyred, and we saw that the church and the Christian faith grew tremendously. People saw what they lived out and stood up for, and they knew that it was real. These men and women wouldn't die for something they truly didn't believe in. I would rather suffer torture and death from a terrorist and continue to tell him that Jesus loves him until I die rather than have a squad of men shoot him down. The name of Jesus is freedom. The Bible gives words of Life. Are we giving these words regularly? Are we saying them enough? Obviously not.
War is made so attractive because it is natural human tendency to resort to violence, because we are sinful. Before I started to truly discover God's love, I actually wanted to go into the military. I had no problem with fighting someone or killing someone. It seems just all too easy. But as soon as I started to feel and discover God's love and how He truly loves everyone, He really started messing with my heart and showing me that His grace was meant for everyone. Everyone deserves a chance to be saved. And even if they don't accept Christ, you have impacted their life with words of truth and life that they can't ever forget. And Paul instructs us to dust off our feet and move on, not to turn around and kill them.
Remember, we are all made in the image of God, so even if someone acts like the Word of God doesn't affect them, it does, because we were all made to receive it as bread of life. I could never kill someone, unless it happened truly on accident. If someone was beating up my brother or sisters, yeah I would go stop them, I would fight them off, but I would try to do it in a way that causes the least amount of harm. I wouldn't stab them or take a gun and shoot them. If I accidentally killed them I would feel horrible, but it was accidental. I could never kill someone on purpose because I truly love EVERYBODY. Even those creepo sexual offenders and terrorists, I love them. Not for what they are doing, but because they are people like us, and all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. God doesn't look at sin in amounts, He sees that we ALL have sinned and need God's grace. None of us are good enough to get to heaven, that's why Jesus came to begin with.
Now, on the matter of using love to conquer instead of violence, like I said my friends think I am very naive in this, but has anyone actually TRIED it yet? I mean seriously. You see the little movements. You see the movement that Jesus made. You see the change that MLKJ brought with his campaign of relentless love. It works. The problem is that people are just incredibly impatient and it's quicker to take a gun and kill someone rather than hold out and use love to break down the walls. We want what we want when we want it, and that's a major problem. I mean take Hitler for instance. Yeah, he did some HORRIBLE stuff. And many Christians say it was right for us to to stop him. I have no problem with stopping someone who is doing evil, but it's HOW you stop them that matters. Did anyone go over there to visit Hitler? Did anyone speak to him about Jesus? Did anyone discuss with him that his views were warped and that Jesus was of Jewish heritage? Did anyone show Hitler love? No. We didn't. As a result, not only did he carry out his plan, but he committed suicide when they lost the war. His life could've been saved, as well as millions of Jew's lives. Think what could've become of Hitler if he had accepted Christ as his Savior. He was a very persuasive man. He could've been a great speaker and leader in the church. He could've helped us spread the Word of God everywhere. But did we ever reach out to him and tell him about Jesus? No. We were too busy filled with fear that we resorted to war first. Where was the love? Where was that movement that says, "I am going to stop you and correct you because I love you and I want you to know that Jesus loves you and He wants to change your life."
Have you ever noticed that violence always begets violence? Yeah it may bring temporary peace, but someone is always pissed off that you went to war against them and that you killed their guys etc. etc. War births hate in everyone. That's how racial and social divisions occur. That's how gangs are formed. Everyone lumps eachother into groups and hates eachother and we always use violence to try to redeem us of our losses and problems. We think, "Well, if we just kill this guy, then evil will be gone!" Have you ever seen that work??? Is that even historical? NO. I mean look what's happening in Iraq. We thought, "If we just kill Saddam Hussein, then the regime will collapse." Well several years later here we are, still in the war. And that's because there's always gonna be some other evil power to take the place of the one you just destroyed. And the terrorists hate us even MORE now because we killed their hallowed leader. What if we had gone over there, sat Saddam in prison, and said, "Look man. You've done awful things. But we're here because we believe in grace and love. Jesus loves you and he wants to give you a second chance. We know you believe in the Qu'ran, but we believe in the Bible. And we are willing right now to sit with you and discuss our differences and show you the true love of Christ." That's all it takes! Even if he doesn't accept Christ, keep him in jail then and keep visiting him. Paul says I believe in Galatians that it is lawful to throw people in jail who are doing harm to society, but don't take their life. Keep coming to visit them and share the love of Jesus with them, because those simple words of life change their hearts, whether they admit it or not. Jesus said, "I was in prison, and you visited me." (talking to the sheep) Are we visiting Jesus? Or are we killing him? Jesus is in many distressing disguises, even those of people we think we should eliminate or hate or whatever. God's image is in all of us, we just have to take the time to dig deep to find it. And I for one am willing to do that.
On a side note, lastly, I might write more on this later, my friends think that if I have different opinions than them that when people ask us questions about this stuff and we tell them different things, that they will think we are hypocrites and our ministry will collapse. First of all, I had to assure them that that is crazy, because look at all the different denominations there are! Lots of Christians believe lots of different things, and Christianity itself hasn't collapsed. There's some things we just won't know for sure til we get to heaven, so we need to stop debating so much all this theological stuff and just show God's love. If we dig into His Word and diligently seek Him, He will give us the answers we need to know. Even if they are different from others, God is much bigger than us. We can't fully see how He thinks or what His reasoning is. There is obviously some type of balance of war and love that none of us can see right now. I just want to do my best to honor and serve Him until I get to heaven and can see the full truth. We won't be able to answer every question, and Christians are naturally the biggest hypocrites of all because we say we believe something but then we don't live it out. I mean come on, you see that all the time! So I wouldn't care if someone called me a hypocrite, because I already know that I have been one. But thank goodness for God's grace! And that's the truth of the whole message. If someone came up to me after a show and said, "I was just talking with other members of your group and they don't believe the same thing you do about war." I would say, "You're right. I don't." And if they said, "Well how can that be? Are there two truths? That's very hypocritical." I would say, "Honestly, I'm not sure what the full truth of the matter of war is, that's one of God's mysteries. But I do know that Jesus taught us to show love and mercy and His forgiveness to everyone. And even if you do consider me to be a hypocrite, I don't have to worry because I know God has forgiven me with the grace of Jesus Christ. That's what it all comes down to. I don't have all the answers, I've probably gotten many of them wrong, but I DO have the grace of Christ, which covers all offenses. So I don't have to worry. I am at peace with my beliefs."
If we would just be fearless to tell people what we believe and not be afraid to fall, we could really change this world. The devil wants to shut us up. He wants us to get so confused that we break down and don't say anything. But as long as we speak what God has put on our hearts, even if everyone doesn't agree with it, we will be fine. Just stop worrying so much about what others think of you! If we try to be crowd pleasers our whole life, we will just be relevant. But I don't want to be relevant.
I want to be a Revolution.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Why So Sensitive?
So I'm gonna do a quick recap of last year cuz it was just amazing and I had many spiritual, mental, and physical breakthroughs. And this year of 2010 is supposedly the "year of favor of the Lord", but so far I just haven't been seeing it. I've struggled with so much at the start of this year that I thought I had defeated and I feel like I have backslidden(is that even a word?!) so much this year. But also God has just been showing me literally within the past week WHY some of the things are the way they are. So here goes the recap and explanations. And if you're taking the time to read this, thanks for stopping by. Blogs are a lonely place that many people make fun of....even me.
So let's start at the beginning.
In January of 2009 I was still struggling with some major health issues but I was working past them. I was good enough that I got to go to school for the second semester(I had had to do homebound for the first semester). Also, the theme in our youth group for the year was Uncommon in a Common Generation. WOOT. In January and February God started doing a major work in me, and that's when He dubbed me as "Preacher". Ask me about that if you wanna know the details.
Also going along with that, I got the calling for Revolution, a creative arts ministry that my friend told me she was forming one night at church. Throughout the year of 2009 I grew with the members in The Revolution and we even prepped for a show in January of 2010, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
So I really engaged God and was reading my Bible and praying in the Spirit all the time and because of that I had many victories. He kept healing me and doing a great work in me. By the time summer hit I was totally stoked for church camp.
Needless to say at church camp everything was AMAZING and I experienced some much needed healing of my mind. It was fo real dude. Awesome. Plus we had so many confirmations about the Revolution that we just wanted to explode.
Next came the mission trip to Lubbock and all those towns out there, which turned out to be only three days long cuz everyone caught some bug, but still I really grew spiritually on this trip. Every night I would stay up til like 2 reading my Bible and talking with my best friend. I also experienced a lot of healing on this trip. I hardly had to take any insulin at all and my blood sugars were awesome. It was so cool.
Then school started back up and I was ready to take things on full speed. I felt like a new person, a new creation, and I was ready to dominate for Jesus Christ. I became president of FCA and started leading worship before the meetings and my confidence really grew. I had also joined the worship team at church, which is awesome.
I was able to play basketball again, which I was totally stoked about...at least for awhile.
The first couple weeks of bball were awesome, but then I started seeing how behind I had gotten from missing a whole year due to my medical struggles. I had prayed and asked God if I should play basketball, but honestly I don't think I ever truly listened to Him. See I'm a fighter. That's the way I'm made. I don't quit. I don't give up. So I had this mentality of, I made this commitment to do basketball all the way through highschool, and I'm not gonna let one lousy setback year stop me. Well the brave decision is not always the smart decision, and I ended up suffering greatly in basketball and in school the rest of the year.
I was so behind and plus we had a new coach that I am still kinda scared of in a way. She's nice and good but I don't think she liked me, maybe because I sucked. But anyway, I quickly got down and depressed and for the longest time I fought it until two weeks before the season was over I couldn't fight it anymore and I spilled it all out to my mom that I wanted to quit and that I was scared cuz I was getting so depressed. But it's weird. It's like releasing all that made me start to get better. I could finally start moving on. I finished out the season alright but I never felt like a part of the team and I had totally shrunk back inside my shell. I felt like the new creation was gone.
I say this because I am still battling it right now. It's almost May of 2010 and I feel like I wasted my whole Senior year on something that didn't matter, something that I wasn't supposed to do, but I didn't listen to God and wait for an answer from Him. There's something I had to learn about being a fighter this year: You can't force yourself to win every fight.
As a result of all this I have found that I have not been reading my Bible regularly or praying, and my health has taken some backsteps it seems. God has definitely convicted me lately because I have been reading so many books ABOUT Him, but I haven't been spending direct time in His Word. That's why I've been suffering and haven't received any direction from Him.
Things are tough, but He's been showing me a lot. Let me rewind back again.
In February I met this awesome girl named Kristine, who has become my best friend. Her name from God is Braveheart, which she truly is. My friend Kristen, who told me about Revolution, introduced me to her, and I think we instantly clicked. It's like when you meet someone and you feel like you've known them your whole life. My pastor even explained that one time. He said that our spirits have existed long before our physical bodies, and God intertwines our spirits with other people's so when we meet in person we feel like we've known eachother, because we actually have in the spirit realm! I thought that was so cool.
So anyway, Braveheart is 5 years older than me and she's an awesome big sister. I can always count on her. Our relationship grew really quickly and God was definitely at the source of it. One thing that He kept telling me and urging me was to be her servant. Let me explain. God calls us all to servanthood. When Jesus came to the earth He didn't come to be served but to serve. He washed the feet of His disciples. That's what we should model our lives to live like. A servant. And I know we need to be servants to everyone, but I also believe God puts specific people in your life that He wants you to go the extra mile for. One person would be your husband or wife or kids. Another would be a friend, or even someone you don't know but they become your friend.
So I promised Braveheart that I would serve her and that I would not leave her or hurt her. I treated her with respect because she is royalty in the eyes of our King. Our relationship grew very quickly, and I loved being a servant for her. It's totally, completely humbling for your spirit, but after it happens you just crave it. You crave serving others and making them feel happy. The greatest reward that I still have in my heart is seeing Braveheart smile and be joyful and happy. I love it.
On the mission trip we stayed up every night and prayed and talked, and cried. I swear we couldn't have one deep conversation without ending up in tears, just because God is so beautiful and wonderful. That's when I really started becoming a softy I think. Hence the title of this blog, "Why So Sensitive?".
I have always been the tough cookie of the family, but this relationship with Braveheart was just melting my heart. I still had the spirit of a fighter, but there was this part in my heart that felt like it had been lit by a candle and was slowly and gently warming up inside. It's like I was opened to a whole new realm in the spirit. The realm of realization of what true unconditional love is. Seriously. Amazing.
So now I was loaded with emotion and this new spiritual fire and I just felt so alive and happy. I believe that God healed me because I was pursuing Him, but I also believe that He healed me through this relationship. It was the first time I had ever subjected myself to humbled servanthood, and when you do what Jesus wants, when you live your life the way He did, good things happen. I had so much healing in my heart, mind, and body.
But then things started to get weird. I don't know what happened, but Braveheart started backing away from me. I was also experiencing some tensions with Kristen about the Revolution, and literally in one night everything came crashing down. I caught a fever and had a conversation with Kristen and that broke me inside and then right after that Braveheart texted me and said I needed to back off for awhile and blah blah blah. I don't want to go into detail because frankly I don't like thinking about it. But basically she said that the way I was treating her was weird and not right and only should be for a husband and a wife. She told me to back off and if I didn't then we couldn't be friends anymore.
Now I had no frikin idea what she was talking about. I was just doing what God had called me to do. To be a great friend and servant and to love her and serve her.
I didn't talk to her for several weeks cuz I was just so broken and confused over everything that had happened and I needed to get my mind straight. Over time God did start to show me that during the past couple weeks before she sent me that message I had gotten a little obsessive about serving her. He presented several instances to me and I immediately recognized what I had said or done that went too far, but in general that's not the way I thought. That's not the way I wanted to think. So I understood, but at the same time I was irritated. Well I worked on getting my focus back to God, because I believe I had gotten carried away into serving her as God instead of God as God. There's a fine line there that He showed me.
Since then I have stayed pretty distant from her. I'm not mad or anything anymore. And she has warmed up to me again, but that whole servanthood thing has gone out the door. And it hasn't been good. This is another reason why I have had setbacks so far in 2010.
After she cut me off, I stopped praying as much. I stopped reading my Bible. I didn't have the fire anymore. It's like my spirit was so hurt I just wanted a break. But that wasn't good, because I had no source of life coming into me now, and the devil took advantage of that.
I started fighting the mental battles that I thought I had defeated last year. Things with my health seemed to slip downhill, and worst of all my heart became very cold. Very, VERY cold. I turned into a different person, someone I don't want to be ever again. I was not Preacher, not even Sydney. I don't know who I was.
I treated all my friends and family like crap. I was always in a bad mood. I made stupid annoying comments and ignorant statements and I stopped caring how others felt. Inside of me my heart was breaking in two. One side was wanting to keep the destruction and rage going, the other side was begging for me to scream and ask for forgiveness and change. So I just got colder and colder with the struggle.
I felt like I lost all my friends. I became a hermit. I didn't talk to anybody for very long. I was just miserable.
I'm still kind of fighting this as I'm typing, because I haven't made the full resolution yet, though I know what I'm going to do.
Then just a couple days ago, God showed me something. Which is amazing cuz I hadn't spent time with Him in so long, I thought He had almost forgotten me.
He showed me that the reason for all my pain and struggles was that 1. I was not spending time with Him and loving Him like I used to. 2. I was not serving Braveheart like He commanded me to. I immediately felt convicted of this, because I knew it was true. After I stopped serving her, I immediately started getting irritated with her. I could only notice her faults and things that annoyed me. The love that I had had for her and the servanthood that surpassed any faults and allowed me to see her as the most beautiful person on the earth was now gone. Every time I saw her, instead of feeling happy and joyful I felt angry and mad and annoyed. There was a time when I hated looking at her because the whole situation had caused me so much pain and I knew what needed to be done to fix it.
But God is full of grace and mercy, and He revealed to me the other day that He wants me to recommit my servanthood to her, which honestly is what my heart is longing to do right now. It gives me a sense of purpose and direction. I can't explain it. It's like He put Braveheart in my life for this very reason. So that I can feel and live in a way that might not have been possible without her. It's really hard to explain, but I feel it immensely in my heart. So whenever I get the time, I am going to sit down and talk with her about all this and apologize for everything. Then I am going to recommit myself to her, telling her that I recognize where I had gone wrong before and I will not go too far. Jesus is my God, not her. Then I will do something that God has been telling me to do for her for over 10 months. I will wash her feet. As a symbol of love, as a sign of servanthood. As a promise that I will do my best to protect her and not hurt her anymore. As a recommitment to the purpose of my relationship with her. I will do it.
This past week, recognizing all this, I feel alive again. That place in my heart is warming up again and starting to melt. I feel breakthrough coming. I'm starting to seek after God again and realizing His true power. This year is a year of favor, and it is also a time for me to regain taht sensitiveness that I lost from all the past hurts and complications.
God is wanting to warm all our hearts with His love. He does this directly by telling us He loves us, but He also shows His love by bringing others into your life who love you and will be there for you. God loves friendships. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, so let's start living like it. Let's be true servants and see the wonderful works God does when we commit ourselves to living as Christ lived. This is just the beginning.
With an army of servants ruling with towels, we can change the world.
How?
Through Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Christ.
(my new motto) :)
This is Preacher signing off, saying, if you have taken the time to read this blog, thank you, and smell the hint of awesomeness. hahaha
So let's start at the beginning.
In January of 2009 I was still struggling with some major health issues but I was working past them. I was good enough that I got to go to school for the second semester(I had had to do homebound for the first semester). Also, the theme in our youth group for the year was Uncommon in a Common Generation. WOOT. In January and February God started doing a major work in me, and that's when He dubbed me as "Preacher". Ask me about that if you wanna know the details.
Also going along with that, I got the calling for Revolution, a creative arts ministry that my friend told me she was forming one night at church. Throughout the year of 2009 I grew with the members in The Revolution and we even prepped for a show in January of 2010, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
So I really engaged God and was reading my Bible and praying in the Spirit all the time and because of that I had many victories. He kept healing me and doing a great work in me. By the time summer hit I was totally stoked for church camp.
Needless to say at church camp everything was AMAZING and I experienced some much needed healing of my mind. It was fo real dude. Awesome. Plus we had so many confirmations about the Revolution that we just wanted to explode.
Next came the mission trip to Lubbock and all those towns out there, which turned out to be only three days long cuz everyone caught some bug, but still I really grew spiritually on this trip. Every night I would stay up til like 2 reading my Bible and talking with my best friend. I also experienced a lot of healing on this trip. I hardly had to take any insulin at all and my blood sugars were awesome. It was so cool.
Then school started back up and I was ready to take things on full speed. I felt like a new person, a new creation, and I was ready to dominate for Jesus Christ. I became president of FCA and started leading worship before the meetings and my confidence really grew. I had also joined the worship team at church, which is awesome.
I was able to play basketball again, which I was totally stoked about...at least for awhile.
The first couple weeks of bball were awesome, but then I started seeing how behind I had gotten from missing a whole year due to my medical struggles. I had prayed and asked God if I should play basketball, but honestly I don't think I ever truly listened to Him. See I'm a fighter. That's the way I'm made. I don't quit. I don't give up. So I had this mentality of, I made this commitment to do basketball all the way through highschool, and I'm not gonna let one lousy setback year stop me. Well the brave decision is not always the smart decision, and I ended up suffering greatly in basketball and in school the rest of the year.
I was so behind and plus we had a new coach that I am still kinda scared of in a way. She's nice and good but I don't think she liked me, maybe because I sucked. But anyway, I quickly got down and depressed and for the longest time I fought it until two weeks before the season was over I couldn't fight it anymore and I spilled it all out to my mom that I wanted to quit and that I was scared cuz I was getting so depressed. But it's weird. It's like releasing all that made me start to get better. I could finally start moving on. I finished out the season alright but I never felt like a part of the team and I had totally shrunk back inside my shell. I felt like the new creation was gone.
I say this because I am still battling it right now. It's almost May of 2010 and I feel like I wasted my whole Senior year on something that didn't matter, something that I wasn't supposed to do, but I didn't listen to God and wait for an answer from Him. There's something I had to learn about being a fighter this year: You can't force yourself to win every fight.
As a result of all this I have found that I have not been reading my Bible regularly or praying, and my health has taken some backsteps it seems. God has definitely convicted me lately because I have been reading so many books ABOUT Him, but I haven't been spending direct time in His Word. That's why I've been suffering and haven't received any direction from Him.
Things are tough, but He's been showing me a lot. Let me rewind back again.
In February I met this awesome girl named Kristine, who has become my best friend. Her name from God is Braveheart, which she truly is. My friend Kristen, who told me about Revolution, introduced me to her, and I think we instantly clicked. It's like when you meet someone and you feel like you've known them your whole life. My pastor even explained that one time. He said that our spirits have existed long before our physical bodies, and God intertwines our spirits with other people's so when we meet in person we feel like we've known eachother, because we actually have in the spirit realm! I thought that was so cool.
So anyway, Braveheart is 5 years older than me and she's an awesome big sister. I can always count on her. Our relationship grew really quickly and God was definitely at the source of it. One thing that He kept telling me and urging me was to be her servant. Let me explain. God calls us all to servanthood. When Jesus came to the earth He didn't come to be served but to serve. He washed the feet of His disciples. That's what we should model our lives to live like. A servant. And I know we need to be servants to everyone, but I also believe God puts specific people in your life that He wants you to go the extra mile for. One person would be your husband or wife or kids. Another would be a friend, or even someone you don't know but they become your friend.
So I promised Braveheart that I would serve her and that I would not leave her or hurt her. I treated her with respect because she is royalty in the eyes of our King. Our relationship grew very quickly, and I loved being a servant for her. It's totally, completely humbling for your spirit, but after it happens you just crave it. You crave serving others and making them feel happy. The greatest reward that I still have in my heart is seeing Braveheart smile and be joyful and happy. I love it.
On the mission trip we stayed up every night and prayed and talked, and cried. I swear we couldn't have one deep conversation without ending up in tears, just because God is so beautiful and wonderful. That's when I really started becoming a softy I think. Hence the title of this blog, "Why So Sensitive?".
I have always been the tough cookie of the family, but this relationship with Braveheart was just melting my heart. I still had the spirit of a fighter, but there was this part in my heart that felt like it had been lit by a candle and was slowly and gently warming up inside. It's like I was opened to a whole new realm in the spirit. The realm of realization of what true unconditional love is. Seriously. Amazing.
So now I was loaded with emotion and this new spiritual fire and I just felt so alive and happy. I believe that God healed me because I was pursuing Him, but I also believe that He healed me through this relationship. It was the first time I had ever subjected myself to humbled servanthood, and when you do what Jesus wants, when you live your life the way He did, good things happen. I had so much healing in my heart, mind, and body.
But then things started to get weird. I don't know what happened, but Braveheart started backing away from me. I was also experiencing some tensions with Kristen about the Revolution, and literally in one night everything came crashing down. I caught a fever and had a conversation with Kristen and that broke me inside and then right after that Braveheart texted me and said I needed to back off for awhile and blah blah blah. I don't want to go into detail because frankly I don't like thinking about it. But basically she said that the way I was treating her was weird and not right and only should be for a husband and a wife. She told me to back off and if I didn't then we couldn't be friends anymore.
Now I had no frikin idea what she was talking about. I was just doing what God had called me to do. To be a great friend and servant and to love her and serve her.
I didn't talk to her for several weeks cuz I was just so broken and confused over everything that had happened and I needed to get my mind straight. Over time God did start to show me that during the past couple weeks before she sent me that message I had gotten a little obsessive about serving her. He presented several instances to me and I immediately recognized what I had said or done that went too far, but in general that's not the way I thought. That's not the way I wanted to think. So I understood, but at the same time I was irritated. Well I worked on getting my focus back to God, because I believe I had gotten carried away into serving her as God instead of God as God. There's a fine line there that He showed me.
Since then I have stayed pretty distant from her. I'm not mad or anything anymore. And she has warmed up to me again, but that whole servanthood thing has gone out the door. And it hasn't been good. This is another reason why I have had setbacks so far in 2010.
After she cut me off, I stopped praying as much. I stopped reading my Bible. I didn't have the fire anymore. It's like my spirit was so hurt I just wanted a break. But that wasn't good, because I had no source of life coming into me now, and the devil took advantage of that.
I started fighting the mental battles that I thought I had defeated last year. Things with my health seemed to slip downhill, and worst of all my heart became very cold. Very, VERY cold. I turned into a different person, someone I don't want to be ever again. I was not Preacher, not even Sydney. I don't know who I was.
I treated all my friends and family like crap. I was always in a bad mood. I made stupid annoying comments and ignorant statements and I stopped caring how others felt. Inside of me my heart was breaking in two. One side was wanting to keep the destruction and rage going, the other side was begging for me to scream and ask for forgiveness and change. So I just got colder and colder with the struggle.
I felt like I lost all my friends. I became a hermit. I didn't talk to anybody for very long. I was just miserable.
I'm still kind of fighting this as I'm typing, because I haven't made the full resolution yet, though I know what I'm going to do.
Then just a couple days ago, God showed me something. Which is amazing cuz I hadn't spent time with Him in so long, I thought He had almost forgotten me.
He showed me that the reason for all my pain and struggles was that 1. I was not spending time with Him and loving Him like I used to. 2. I was not serving Braveheart like He commanded me to. I immediately felt convicted of this, because I knew it was true. After I stopped serving her, I immediately started getting irritated with her. I could only notice her faults and things that annoyed me. The love that I had had for her and the servanthood that surpassed any faults and allowed me to see her as the most beautiful person on the earth was now gone. Every time I saw her, instead of feeling happy and joyful I felt angry and mad and annoyed. There was a time when I hated looking at her because the whole situation had caused me so much pain and I knew what needed to be done to fix it.
But God is full of grace and mercy, and He revealed to me the other day that He wants me to recommit my servanthood to her, which honestly is what my heart is longing to do right now. It gives me a sense of purpose and direction. I can't explain it. It's like He put Braveheart in my life for this very reason. So that I can feel and live in a way that might not have been possible without her. It's really hard to explain, but I feel it immensely in my heart. So whenever I get the time, I am going to sit down and talk with her about all this and apologize for everything. Then I am going to recommit myself to her, telling her that I recognize where I had gone wrong before and I will not go too far. Jesus is my God, not her. Then I will do something that God has been telling me to do for her for over 10 months. I will wash her feet. As a symbol of love, as a sign of servanthood. As a promise that I will do my best to protect her and not hurt her anymore. As a recommitment to the purpose of my relationship with her. I will do it.
This past week, recognizing all this, I feel alive again. That place in my heart is warming up again and starting to melt. I feel breakthrough coming. I'm starting to seek after God again and realizing His true power. This year is a year of favor, and it is also a time for me to regain taht sensitiveness that I lost from all the past hurts and complications.
God is wanting to warm all our hearts with His love. He does this directly by telling us He loves us, but He also shows His love by bringing others into your life who love you and will be there for you. God loves friendships. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, so let's start living like it. Let's be true servants and see the wonderful works God does when we commit ourselves to living as Christ lived. This is just the beginning.
With an army of servants ruling with towels, we can change the world.
How?
Through Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Christ.
(my new motto) :)
This is Preacher signing off, saying, if you have taken the time to read this blog, thank you, and smell the hint of awesomeness. hahaha
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Library Fees
I've had this book by Philip Yancey called "What's So Amazing About Grace?" for over two weeks, and I still haven't been able to finish it. I got through the first half really quickly, but I have just been so busy lately that I can't finish it. I'm not reading it right now obviously cuz I am wasting time writing this stuff that nobody will probably even read. Oh well. I'm bored and I will read when I'm done. I hope I don't have to pay any late fees. Four days overdue. Ouch.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
So, how did you sleep?
Last night I had a sleep study. For those of you who have never had the joy of feeling like a pasty, constricted robot, let me enlighten you.
I walk in and nobody is there, just one medical technician. It's about 8:40pm. She takes me to my room where I change(in the bathroom, not the room....there are cameras there watching you in the room, which would be perfect for perverts). Then she starts hooking me up to all these electrodes. I had four on my legs, two on my chest, one on my neck, one behind each ear, four or five on my face, and several in my hair. To get them to stick on my ears and scalp, she had to put this gross gluey paste in my hair, but I think she used way too much cuz it came off in globs when I had to leave.
So anyway, you're all hooked up and feeling like a robot, then you lay down and on goes the C-PAP machine(that's a machine that helps you breath at night). I had had to get one two years ago because of some medical stuff I was dealing with, I had gained a lot of weight which was making me snore, so I had to get this machine so I could breath well at night. But over the course of these two years, I have lost over 40lbs. and don't need as near as much air as that thing is pumping into me. That's why we went in in the first place.
Once you're all situated in bed, the lady leaves the room and goes to the camera to watch you. She lists out some commands for you to do to make sure she can see and hear you well, in case you need help in the night. I had to move my eyes, clench my jaw, and probably the most awkward thing was "make snoring or humming noises". Last time I was there I made snoring noises....yeah. Embarrassing. So I chose to hum this time. Still incredibly awkward. But, I got it out of the way without feeling like a complete idiot.
So then she comes in, turns on the machine, and you go to sleep. It's probably 10:00 or so by now. I actually fell asleep fairly quickly this time. However, at around, I'm guessing 3:00 or so in the morning, I feel that my mask is really wet and it's dripping water everywhere. I think it was because I had cleaned it right before I went to bed and it didn't get to fully dry. But anyway that was really annoying and it kept waking me up, but there was nothing I could do, so the last two hours of the study I slept horribly.
Then at 5:00 they came in and woke me up and started taking all the electrodes off. They left it up to me to rip all the adhesives off my face. Which hurt. A lot. It was then that I first felt the goop behind my ears. It was like a hunk of candle wax or something. Totally. Disgusting. So I washed that off as best as I could and then went on the hunt for all the goop in my insanely thick hair. That was not fun.
They had me fill out a questionairre before I left, which made me laugh. They had a question on there out of a 1-10 you had to circle "how well did you sleep?". And I'm thinking....well, considering I only slept for maybe 5 hours, not even a consistent 5hours...I slept horrible! What did you think?! Then they asked if I slept better or worse than normal. Now I'm really chuckling, because what in the world is normal about sleeping with electrodes and plugs hooked up to you to where you can't turn on your side or anything? So of course I put "worse"....much much worse. Then I finally got checked out at around 5:30. I drove home, immediately got in the shower to wash my hair and get all the crap out of it, and then got ready to go back to bed at 6:38a.m. However, by this time I was feeling alert, even though I slept horribly, so I stayed up for awhile and watched Twilight...which I will post about later, because that movie is so ridiculous. Then I fell asleep on the couch in a funny position that gave me a neck cramp when I woke up, and I had strange dreams about my cat. Hmmm.
So yeah, I woke up this morning at 9:15 still feeling sleepy, in fact I might go lay down for a little bit here in a minute if I can. But then I gotta get back on the job hunt, but more on that later.
Hope your night wasn't as rough or robotic as mine.
Peace.
I walk in and nobody is there, just one medical technician. It's about 8:40pm. She takes me to my room where I change(in the bathroom, not the room....there are cameras there watching you in the room, which would be perfect for perverts). Then she starts hooking me up to all these electrodes. I had four on my legs, two on my chest, one on my neck, one behind each ear, four or five on my face, and several in my hair. To get them to stick on my ears and scalp, she had to put this gross gluey paste in my hair, but I think she used way too much cuz it came off in globs when I had to leave.
So anyway, you're all hooked up and feeling like a robot, then you lay down and on goes the C-PAP machine(that's a machine that helps you breath at night). I had had to get one two years ago because of some medical stuff I was dealing with, I had gained a lot of weight which was making me snore, so I had to get this machine so I could breath well at night. But over the course of these two years, I have lost over 40lbs. and don't need as near as much air as that thing is pumping into me. That's why we went in in the first place.
Once you're all situated in bed, the lady leaves the room and goes to the camera to watch you. She lists out some commands for you to do to make sure she can see and hear you well, in case you need help in the night. I had to move my eyes, clench my jaw, and probably the most awkward thing was "make snoring or humming noises". Last time I was there I made snoring noises....yeah. Embarrassing. So I chose to hum this time. Still incredibly awkward. But, I got it out of the way without feeling like a complete idiot.
So then she comes in, turns on the machine, and you go to sleep. It's probably 10:00 or so by now. I actually fell asleep fairly quickly this time. However, at around, I'm guessing 3:00 or so in the morning, I feel that my mask is really wet and it's dripping water everywhere. I think it was because I had cleaned it right before I went to bed and it didn't get to fully dry. But anyway that was really annoying and it kept waking me up, but there was nothing I could do, so the last two hours of the study I slept horribly.
Then at 5:00 they came in and woke me up and started taking all the electrodes off. They left it up to me to rip all the adhesives off my face. Which hurt. A lot. It was then that I first felt the goop behind my ears. It was like a hunk of candle wax or something. Totally. Disgusting. So I washed that off as best as I could and then went on the hunt for all the goop in my insanely thick hair. That was not fun.
They had me fill out a questionairre before I left, which made me laugh. They had a question on there out of a 1-10 you had to circle "how well did you sleep?". And I'm thinking....well, considering I only slept for maybe 5 hours, not even a consistent 5hours...I slept horrible! What did you think?! Then they asked if I slept better or worse than normal. Now I'm really chuckling, because what in the world is normal about sleeping with electrodes and plugs hooked up to you to where you can't turn on your side or anything? So of course I put "worse"....much much worse. Then I finally got checked out at around 5:30. I drove home, immediately got in the shower to wash my hair and get all the crap out of it, and then got ready to go back to bed at 6:38a.m. However, by this time I was feeling alert, even though I slept horribly, so I stayed up for awhile and watched Twilight...which I will post about later, because that movie is so ridiculous. Then I fell asleep on the couch in a funny position that gave me a neck cramp when I woke up, and I had strange dreams about my cat. Hmmm.
So yeah, I woke up this morning at 9:15 still feeling sleepy, in fact I might go lay down for a little bit here in a minute if I can. But then I gotta get back on the job hunt, but more on that later.
Hope your night wasn't as rough or robotic as mine.
Peace.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Going for a Bike Ride
Why is it that I love biking so much more than running? Oh yeah, maybe it's because you can go fast and enjoy your scenery without breathing like a race horse. Or maybe it's because you can snap some quick pictures or take some cool video. Or maybe it's because it gives you that sixth sense that you are possibly in a movie. For me, bike riding sends me to another place in time. I'm in my own little world. I'm about to go bike to this new park that they put in my neighborhood area, and I hope I can get some good shots and video of the place. I don't know how great it's going to be, but I do know that I am going to have a wonderful time in the rabbit hole. ;)
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